Live Blogging! I tell you what I'm doing over several hours

3:17 pm: I think about cleaning up. Specifically adjusting the blanket and quilt on the futon. Branden seems to do that, sometimes he even seems obsessed about it. I don't because Justin is in the other room and I'm worried he'll hear me? I get excited about my hulu queue. There is a new episode of: Legend of the Seeker, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Heroes, Firefly. I have The Book Group already in my queue. I start it. I decide blogging about my inability to clean will help me cope with the concrete ways in which Social Anxiety make my life "bad". The internet goes slowly, or fidgets, or maybe is just sad and it skips on the opening to The Book Group. I miss what I compose in my head to be important constructive narrative components...or something. I'm upset I don't see everyone's couch, is what I'm trying to say. Ameena has a blog: I like the Au Revoir Simone song. Now the song is Matt and Kim and I hate it.

3:23 pm: Ameena has an eventful life. It seemed important. Made me think about school. Was going to write something about my dreams or goals, but my consciousness felt vertigo; I went to check the dictionary to see if vertigo was the word I wanted. The word I wanted was spinning, felt my brain spinning from within my skull, but the real spinning had to be my consciousness in my brain. Couldn't think of the words to describe it, gave up and wrote vertigo even though, to me, it's reminiscent of rich white women on prescription medication (Will and Grace?).

3:40 pm: There's some noise outside the Green Room (GR), Branden probably just returned from coffee with Jeremy. I thought it'd be nice to take a break from The Book Group to talk about how much I adore it. While watching it, I thought I'd write something like: "I'm composing a list of distinct things about this that I like" and then "My list is full and now I'm teeming with excitable enjoyment. Or enjoyable excitement". I also thought some very specific things that I liked, but now I'm embarrassed to write them (maybe it's because now someone comments and the comments make me uncomfortable). One of those things was the wall paper.

3:55 pm: I really liked that first episode of The Book Group. Now I'm going to edit my brother's Sterling Scholar portfolio, specifically the page on being Debate President. The trick, as I see it, is to articulate winsomely the qualities of a leader. The ones that my brother possesses. I mustn't lie like Chelsea Irving (is this slander?)

4:02 pm: The Word document is converting. I don't have the newer version. I opened up iTunes. I was planning on listening to The Books. But then saw Mirah because right now my library is organized alphabetically by album. Then I decided on St. Vincent. What conclusions can be drawn re: my character from this information? The document is open now.

4:04 pm: Don't like the words "fortunate" and "responsible" in the line "I am fortunate to be responsible for...". Going to use a thesaurus to find something I like more.

4:08 pm: I decided what he meant by "fortunate" was: this is cool. So I think "I have the distinction of" more accurately speaks to the honor of the position and something that favorably speaks to his character.

4:11 pm: Is "accountable" a good word? Is accountability specifically favorable in a leadership context?

4:14 pm: Opening an article on Mary Tyler Moore and (second-wave) feminist leadership in my attempts to find a theory of leadership with which I'm comfortable. (Had to thesaurus the word "concept" to come up with "theory". Convinced "second-wave" isn't going to provide leadership qualities that are "feminist enough" for me.

4:26 pm: The article, written by Allyson Jule used the phrase "delicate vulnerability" that I liked a lot. I also noted how much I really liked the Mary Tyler Moore show. And Rhoda.

4:28 pm: In the next paragraph A. Jule makes a rousing case for Second Wave feminism and I feel bad for saying I wasn't anticipating much. I really like Catharine MacKinnon and a lot about the Second Wave. I don't know why I said that other thing before, maybe I was trying to seem hip. I "genuinely" do not know if that last line was meant to be ironic or not.

4:34 pm: Halfway through the article. Mostly it makes me want to watch Mary Tyler Moore. I googled: "Toward a Truly Radical Feminist Theory of Leadership". I ended up on the wikipedia for "Radical Feminism". When it mentions "leadership" it is just to say, "Those nutcase feminists couldn't get anything done. It wasn't democracy but paralysis!" That was a paraphrase. It did say that all "class-striving" was "male-identified", which I sympathize with.

4:40 pm: Finished the article. At the end there was a transcript of that first interview where she gets hired. With that "I hate spunk" line that I say from time to time. I really liked it. She asked for a Brandy Alexander when pressed. Now Mirah is playing. I haven't found a better word for "responsible". Am I doing this wrong?

4:45 pm: I found an article, "Spatial imaginaries: universities, internationalization, and feminist geographies" that I wanted to read because the abstract looked nice, but then OU didn't have online access to it. I have to admit that part of the reason I pursued reading it was because I'm telling "you" everything I'm doing. I thought you'd be impressed.

4:59 pm: I'm liking my new article, which is essentially everything I wanted: Feminists in Social Work: where have all the leaders gone. Lazzari et al. It's going over theories of leadership. At the end of one theory (transactional leadership) it is mentioned (Does Lazzari do the mentioning? How do I incorporate the et. al? Just like that? Lazzari et al mention?) that the leader "takes responsibility for the outcome". That's accountability, right? What does that even mean? What accountability could there possible be for a debate team? Is that just social ostracization if they don't win state?

5:04 pm: Moser & Moser and Rao & Kelleher rejected the "valorization of heroic individualism" (fuck you transformation leadership theory)

5:09 pm: Sometime seems "up" with the font. Convinced this is ultimately "better". Began typing to note that I briefly contemplated adding in the words "I am honored with the distinction of...". Ultimately rejected the idea because it seemed redundant and too self-congratulatory. Now Josephine Foster & the Supposed is playing.

5:14 pm: bell hooks tells me that I should articulate a form of leadership that my brother embodies that breaks free of an ideology of domination, etc. Should I have capitalized the b on bell because it was the start of that sentence?

5:17 pm:

"A feminist theory of leadership should apply to, and closely monitor or observe, all levels of leadership power and influence, both formal and informal; the sex differences that exist; gendered expectations; and the process and goals of leadership. This practice involves reconstructing power as empowerment, for example, making decisions with others, sharing control of resources and educational curricula, and generating ideas or ideologies and knowledge. Redefining power in a culture grounded in power hierarchies (that is, patriarchy) is no easy task." (Lazzari et al 352)

I can't get out of the block quote. I'm scared. And I don't think I cited that right. Where should I put the full citation? I've been "live blogging" for two hours. Is this productive? Illuminating for me or the reader? I don't know. I don't think so. "fuck". "FUCK"

6:04 pm: Watching a longer commercial so I don't have to take commercial "breaks" during the show. The commercial is of 1.5 minute defense of robots. Honda: "You guys! Robots aren't evil like tv and movies say they are!!"

6:55 pm: The weird commercial drama has come to a resolution. He stole the door, diligently churched it up, and brought it to his apartment so that Patrick Dempsey could tell me my relationships would only be fully realized when I bought State Farm insurance of some kind, as some sort of promise. While I always intended on mentioning the weird commercial drama that took 3 breaks to unfold, I was also planning on commenting on how the second and third episode of The Book Group never really lived up to the genius of the first. But where I think the genius lies is when they're in the actual book group. And I'm absolutely in love with Janis. Which is to say the third episode started getting good.

7:05 pm: I think I'll watch Secret Life now.

7:12 pm: "My family called you and asked you to bring me water?"

7:14 pm: "Falling in love, is such an easy thing to do. Birds can do, let's all do it, let's get to it, hurry and do it. Let's fall in love!"

7:20 pm: Grace, the Christian, is starting a masturbation campaign. She's calling it "Just say 'me'" (tm).

7:32 pm: "I don't like schemes...hijinks or shenanigans" Ashley is so cool.

7:34 pm: "Jesus never said 'just say no', Nancy Reagan said 'just say no'". Grace is getting kicked out of the Teen Abstinence Group. Also the "Just say me guy Joe" is handing out stickers. Grace's masturbation campaign is all over school by lunch.

7:40 pm: Ricky (the slut): "If you're my girlfriend, you're going to be sleeping with me" Adrian (the slut): "Don't try that approach, I don't like it" I like the way they're couching this in terms of empowerment, and they're broaching the unease parents have with talking to their children about masturbation.

7:43 pm: WTF Is that the Olympic gold-medal winning gymnast Shawn Johnson?

10:31 pm: Stuff happened and I almost started reading Tao Lin short stories, but I'll go back to watching Secret Life.

10:39 pm: I texted my mom to ask who the better gymnast was. It was Nastia. I loved her. Grace's mother got called into the counseling office. Mom: "Well I'm going to get kicked out of church" Grace: "I got kicked out of TAG (Teen Abstinence Group)" Mom: "Not for this" Grace: "Yeah! Can you believe it?" It's funny to me because Grace had sex a while ago and she thought that made her responsible for her father's death.

10:42 pm: It's Joe! The incredibly bad actor that I'm sure is some sort of joke. At first I was just offended that they could find someone even more awkward and stiff than the main cast, but then I realized it was an intentional casting decision. Now I'm just really glad that I'm in on the joke. heh heh, good one casting director.

10:44 pm: Amy (the girl who had the baby) and her sister Ashley were talking about just say me. Ashley said it was something everyone just does. And Amy said "I don't do anything without thinking about it". Ashley said: "Really? Have you met your son?" And I lol'd

10:54 pm: OH NO! Apparently it takes 4 days until masturbating isn't fun anymore! I discovered this through a montage set to Mr. Sandman that features the girls content in their bed on Monday-Wednesday. But by Thursday they're bored. And on Sunday they aren't even in bed anymore! They're just doing home work.

11:39 pm: I really, really love Janis.