To Mads:
"I think the revolution is impossible this century, then."
11:39:46pm
03/06/2011
To Tyler:
"Woot"
12:01:58am
03/07/2011
To Branden:
"Are YOU ASLEEP. Sorry about caps lock"
1:00:51am
To Tyler, Branden, Alex, Airy:
"You know when you were thinking something rewarding/satisfying but you get distracted by something and then you can't remember what you were thinking but you try. And in that trying you realize you aren't thinking anything and somehow you had accessed oblivion? I...like that."
4:03:47am
To Hayden:
"I think thoughts are (the) actions that define "who" "you" "are". But I need postmodern distance from those last three concepts. I don't believe in a pre-linguistic, self-same, stable, coherent "self" though. So: "who you are" is a meaningless concept for me...mostly."
9:06:35am
To Alice:
"I really like that James Franco is tweeting seemingly arbitrary video bliss without context. i meant clips. but bliss is more accurate."
9:37:37am
To Airy:
"Almost exclusively if someone asks me, "what", I've already lost interest in them. Ya know?"
9:41:37am
To Alice:
"They're so gratuitous. One is thirty seconds of a lamp post?"
9:52:34am
To Mom, Branden, Airy:
"If you didn't like the smell of the fish isn't it just as arrogant to impose a glade air poisoner on everyone?"
10:28:11am
To Mom:
"Lol. It's okay. I like working on my ethics y'all"
10:30:57am
To Bodena:
"It seems like you took the internet with you when you left"
11:03:17am
"Same...thing?"
11:04:43am
"Without knowing how or what you did or how to get it back it's functionally identical"
11:07:48am
"At your leisure"
11:13:02am
To Branden:
"Kristin wouldn't let me recycle tian's expensive champagne bottle. I was suppppper annoyed."
11:27:22am
To Airy:
"I think i'm really, deeply h8ful"
11:29:54am
"Like...i'm trying to talk to kristin about roommates and it's just impossible because she won't let me h8. She is a bad-rooommate apologist."
11:33:44am
"Also-if she wants to drop out? Drop out."
11:37:45am
"It's like... Yeah. I hated school too. And then i stopped going. Then i moved to new york and then ohio. It's... Like a genuine option. Not going to school."
11:40:39am
"A lot i'm either hating myself to a debilitating degree. Or i hate everyone else. To a similar degree. Just... So much loathing."
11:46:09am
To Branden:
"Hey boy. You know i love you. I had to kill myself last night, if your conception of subjectivity is heavily contingent on performativity. Then i woke up at eight thirty am? And... I guess i'm in class. The class i stopped doing reading for at week three. And stopped attending week five."
11:47:43am
To Airy:
"I don't hate at you. Except for when i feel intellectually inferior. And that's really more of a self loathing with you as the context, not the object."
11:48:41am
"My relationship to you is one of deep affection and awe."
11:49:19am
"Thank god i have you, amiright"
11:49:38am
"I do like the teaching assistant in this class. I wish i wasn't depressed. I feel like then we could be friends... Fuck. What if i start crying. Is... That's okay. Nobody will notice? Right? I...did not plan on crying. It's just i didn't sleep a lot"
11:58:44am
"Maybe... Maybe"
12:36:20pm
To Branden:
"Leaving class. :)"
1:10:56pm
"Reading then more class!"
1:14:52pm
":)"
1:21:06pm
To Hayden:
""no subject is its own point of departure" butler is always good."
1:42:58pm
To Mads:
"Butler is transferring to a private school. Are you hurt by that?"
1:43:33pm
"What?... What?!"
1:45:54pm
"What!"
1:46:07pm
To Hayden:
"Write this on that obnoxious anti-marijuana status: "subjects who institute actions are themselves instituted effects of prior actions, and ... the horizon in which in which we act is there as a constitutive possibility of our very capacity to act, not merely or exclusively as an exterior field or theater of operation.""
1:48:05pm
To Mads:
"I'm participating in a relationship in which those conversations have taken place, sure, and there are possibilities for explicitly linking that conversation with my intended present one, but now i'm more startled by your refusal to engage with me. Seems a departure. Dare i say a radical one."
1:49:43pm
"I was hurt when i read butler was transferring to a private school."
1:53:06pm
To Hayden:
"Also for the question of actions: "there is no ontologically intact reflexivity to the subject which is then placed within a cultural context; that cultural context, as it were, is already there as the disarticulated process of that subject's production, one that is concealed by the frame that would situate a ready-made subject in an external web of cultural relations""
2:08:32pm
To Branden, Airy, Kristin:
"I pulled obnoxious brian aside after class and told him he needs to speak less and quieter. I used a lot of feminist jargon but it was functionally the same thing. I'm hunry and tired and angry, but i'm still glad."
4:38:49pm
To Kristin:
"Also is the internet fixed"
4:39:40pm
To Airy:
"I mostly just said the reason he thinks it's okay to talk so much is because of male privilege. And so i told him he needs to stop. And i said he needs to talk quieter. ...because of male privilege."
4:46:27pm
"Lol!"
5:47:20pm
To Branden:
"Getting a sandwich at the library..."
5:52:54pm
"Damn it's snowing hard. Like just a winter wonderland"
5:53:21pm
"I just got it. Over priced. Incredibly so"
5:56:18pm
"Yes! I'll mention it to Asuu!"
5:58:21pm
To Bettilyon:
"Will the ficus tree lower the prices of food on campus? It should be cheaper-affordable for students. Especially those that can't afford a parking pass."
5:59:32pm
To Branden:
"The student government is holding elections. They're being obnoxious campaigning. I'll ask them."
6:00:06pm
To Bettilyon:
"Woohoo."
6:01:54pm
To Branden:
"This sandwich is good. NOT as gourmet as the price would indicate though."
6:02:30pm
To Google:
"D: axiomatic"
6:06:12pm
To Branden:
"It's just... I don't have a car. And i don't know the area. So i'm on campus and i either take the bus home and eat or i stay here and eat. Staying here is better for studying, but worse for my wallet. That sucks"
6:09:52pm
"Yeah! Capitalism is SOOOOOO terrible and the university is an integral component of its present functioning."
6:14:21pm
To Mads, Beatty, Airy, Boyack !:
"Is sedwick a lot more difficult to read than butler or am i just really tired and hungry."
6:18:00pm
To Boyack !:
"The whole solar system? Aren't there only like eight parts?"
6:21:35pm
To Mads:
"That's what i'm reading. She used the word pullulate? There are like six words i've never heard of on a page."
6:23:13pm
To Google:
"D: pullulate"
6:23:29pm
To Mads:
"Exiguous?"
6:25:12pm
"Yeah. I'm not understanding any of this. Just... At all."
6:26:35pm
"Knowing what those words means is hardly helping"
6:26:56pm
To Branden:
"I just noticed that i walk with my left foot sliguly turned in. Is that weird..."
6:29:47pm
To Boyack !:
"I'm...not getting sedgwick at all. This... Is so unpleasant. I'm tired and the sandwich i ate is hurting my stomach."
6:31:06pm
"She's talking about ignorance and i think she's talking about me... But i can't be sure. Like when you were young and people spelled around you. Before you could spell. It's infuriating."
6:34:18pm
"She's an iconoclast!"
6:36:22pm
"...better"
6:39:22pm
"I don't know what an iconoclast is. I just know sedwick is a huge deal"
6:39:58pm
To Mads:
"Axiomatic y'all"
6:43:55pm
To Airy:
"The only break i can imagine is going home... And i hate home sometimes. And ameena disconnected the internet and i don't my when she'll fix it."
6:56:20pm
To Branden:
"Wow. It is not at all quiet in the quiet study area."
7:07:02pm
To Google:
"D: pellucid"
7:08:03pm
To Branden:
"They're just hanging out and laughing a lot. Like... Why here?"
7:15:36pm
To Airy:
"I got outvoted so we got rid of cable. And so... She... Took the cable box this morning and then internet wasn't working. I told her she took the internet with her. she said she didn't she just maybe disconnected it. I said same thing. She said no. I said without knowing how or what you did or how to fix it, it's functionally identical. She said she'd fix it later. I said, by all means, at your leisure."
7:22:45pm
"Ahhhh. I want snuggles. I'm just reading sedgwick talk about how shitty it is to be gay hungry and tired at the library thirty feet away from a group of laughing people. They're so loud. Why did they come here to laugh and hang out?"
7:24:06pm
To Google:
"D: Nonce"
7:30:24pm
To Airy:
"Just...on the floor?! Grinnell > my house"
7:37:34pm
To Branden:
"Off and on"
7:41:46pm
To Branden, Boyack !:
"I've been reading for two hours and i'm not halfway done. With this first article."
7:59:14pm
To Boyack !:
"Would they have pears at the library would you think?"
8:35:32pm
To Airy:
"Not distinctly enough. I remember that being a beautiful experience i think."
9:03:00pm
"Reality becoming unflapped is painful? Or the pain is"
9:07:07pm
"That was a really good time. I like using the word "space" behind reality. Seems deliberately inaccurate/incomplete. Once that man i told to talk less agreed with me in class poorly so i just shook my head at him until he stopped"
9:16:34pm
To Tyler, Mom, Kristin, Hayden, Emily, Branden, Boyack !, Bodena, Airy:
"Fucking blizzard what the what?"
9:18:11pm
To Branden, Mom, Hayden, Emily, Kristin:
"Walking to the bus stop... I thought i would die halfway! Surely! My feet are soaking?! Jesus. Jesus!!"
9:21:56pm
To Airy:
"Walking to the bus stop... I thought i would die halfway! Surely! My feet are soaking?! Jesus. Jesus!! When people get here there's this... Moment where they expect a celebration. Cause we all made this trek. But we're... All just cold and wet"
9:23:18pm
To Hayden:
"What is it? I had to run through the snow... For some reason. i've never experienced this. The sidewalks on campus are just under the four ish inches of snow"
9:24:18pm
To Emily:
"Shit. Shit!"
9:24:33pm
To Mom:
"'m... Expecting the bus to be pretty late."
9:24:50pm
To Branden:
"I'll have to scrub the tub first to even get that! I ran... In the converse. My feet are wet. What a fucking trek. The one thing late stage capitalism should supply is no treks! Jesus."
9:25:46pm
To Airy:
"I'm going to try. It's... Such an accomplishment! I kept picturing myself dying and freezing to death halfway. THE BUS!"
9:26:35pm
"Why is it making my"
9:27:13pm
To Tyler, Tian, Mom, Kristin, Hayden, Emily, Branden, Boyack !, Bodena, Airy:
"THE BUS WON'T GO ABOVE THIRD AVENUE?? If the fucking bus can't make it how can i??! What the Fuck am i supposed to do with that information but huddle on the bus for warmth and cry???"
9:29:11pm
To Emily:
"Walking up from third avenue is incredibly difficult on a pleasant spring day..."
9:30:12pm
To Hayden, Branden:
"No. You don't fucking understand what that means. That's five blocks uphill in six inches of snow in leaky tennis shoes."
9:31:43pm
To Bodena:
"No. Yeah. But me and my leaky tennis shoes can."
9:32:14pm
To Branden, Airy, Boyack !:
"I was already crying in the library from being tired and hungry. Now uphill six blocks in leaky tennis shoes in... Four? Inches of snow with freezing wind."
9:34:11pm
To Mom:
"Wait in the snow?"
9:35:47pm
To Emily:
"Walking uphill six blocks in four inches of snow i guess is just what i'm doing right now."
9:37:07pm
To Mom:
"I texted everyone. Ameena said if the bus can't make it she can't. Call the uta and a congress person to complain. That's my plan when i get home. This is unacceptable."
9:38:11pm
To Bodena:
"Still just walking..."
9:39:07pm
To Mom:
"I guess not."
9:39:42pm
To Mom:
"I'm at sixth"
9:40:25pm
To Branden:
"It's fucking slippery. I keep slipping"
9:41:19pm
To Mom:
"Yeah. It's slippery on steep"
9:43:11pm
To Airy:
"I can't stop crying. I'm just naked in the bathroom crying."
10:09:03pm
To Tyler:
"The bus dropped me of at third avenue. Had to walk from there"
10:10:07pm
To Kristin:
"I guess i thought texting would suffice. I'm dropping out of school."
10:10:29pm
To Airy:
"I'm trying to look in the mirror to tell myself that i love myself but i can't."
10:14:22pm
"It's... No. No. Cause it's... All just repeated. My day was a synecdoche for the structure of academia. And i'm dropping out. I'm... I have to be done. I'm done"
10:16:10pm
"Okay. Can we skype after. I just... I just need to be held. I need you or branden to hold me because you are the people that keep me from such radical alienation but you're both so far away and i don't understand why. Why i have to be naked crying on the bathroom floor"
10:17:32pm
"And standing up means picking up these pieces that have been stabbing into me for so long and they're on the floor. Everywhere. They're scattered everywhere and standing up requires collecting them all again for another fucking obnoxiously metaphorical trek through the snow and i can't. When i was on the bus i kept thinking i can't do this and even when i got home all i could think was i can't. I can't do this. I can't. And i fell apart. I just fell apart ari"
10:20:09pm
To Boyack !:
"I...broke down in the shower. I'm... Still just crying naked in the bathroom. I'm dropping out of school john."
10:24:05pm
To Kristin:
"I... There was this profound alienation i experienced when the bus driver said he was only driving up to third avenue. And i stark feeling of hopelessness. And i kept thinking a couldn't do it. And even when i got home all i could think was i can't. I can't and i'm still just...crying in the bathroom. And it's all this trite synecdoche for academia, but evaluation is unethical. Grading students isn't grading some autonomous subject that makes rational coherent decisions between success and failure or effort and being lazy. It's an evaluation of who had to walk farther in the snow, but more than that it's an evaluation of how different students are different manifestations of the discursive hub where different regulating pressures articulate an intelligible agency. And the difference between an A and an F is functionally indistinguishable from the distinction between heterosexuality and homosexuality. Thats unethical in any permutation."
10:32:51pm
To Boyack !:
"I've already dropped out too. I'll... Can i send you a long text. Six pages length"
10:33:24pm
To Airy:
"I love you."
10:33:40pm
To Branden:
"Yes"
10:33:50pm
To Airy:
"I'm still dropping out. Evaluation is just patently unethical. I can't... Endorse this system with my continued participation. Will you support me."
10:35:45pm
To Boyack !, Branden:
"I... There was this profound alienation i experienced when the bus driver said he was only driving up to third avenue. And a stark feeling of hopelessness. And i kept thinking i couldn't do it. And even when i got home all i could think was i can't. I can't and i'm still just...crying in the bathroom. And it's all this trite synecdoche for academia, but evaluation is unethical. Grading students isn't grading some autonomous subject that makes rational coherent decisions between success and failure or effort and being lazy. It's an evaluation of who had to walk farther in the snow, but more than that it's an evaluation of how different students are different manifestations of the discursive hub where different regulating pressures articulate an intelligible agency. And the difference between an A and an F is functionally indistinguishable from the distinction between heterosexuality and homosexuality. Thats unethical in any permutation."
10:37:27pm
To Branden:
"Cried in the shower... Then cried naked on the bathroom floor. Now i'm crying on my bed. I'm going to smoke a bowl. I'm dropping out of school branden."
10:38:18pm
To Airy:
"It's be with you and branden. But branden won't have me. I don't think i've dealt with that emotional blow yet either. I think part of my crying is still about that."
10:42:04pm
"I need you and/or branden."
10:44:21pm
"Thank you."
10:51:48pm
To Boyack !:
"That doesn't address the ethics or the depression"
11:31:55pm
"Then Fuck why waste my time here"
11:34:45pm
To Airy:
"I keep hearing the line "i want spam" being repeated in my head. Sometimes it's charlie (from the chocolate factory) saying it."
11:46:23pm
"Oh"
12:00:12am
03/08/2011
