When I called to ask for support I was happy and shining and buoyant.
She gave me an A even though I said everything wrong, but never spoke when you required it.
It was surprising and fulfilling and something I haven't felt in so long and I called to feel the warmth of your sun.
And you were watching a movie and I distracted you and it was biblical so you probably wish I would have waited, but still.
You're my "best friend" and when I explain that this semester might be a shining success and maybe I'm "a star", you say professors won't change grades for me and I can accept that, until I can't. Because Jill was supposed to and I've been waiting for that, and if I can't see her, I technically can't come back.
But even more it's scary and big and not just the writing like with the military, but with the thinking and growing and understanding, the flashlight on the dark spot in my mind than I know now is dark, but I really think it's safer not to break that..
once I started to and you listened as I cried, I think you wanted me to keep going, but I stopped because I was mad, but also because I was humiliated and that humiliation caused so much anger, but it was still stronger than any resultant activism or passion or grace.
So I stopped and I left it there, slowly bleeding in my mind. And you thought all was well, so I should just go back to my family, open up for the summer, you can't leave your mom.
And you used those words I've heard tens of times when I wouldn't and the pain was real then, probably more real than now, and when you talk about that pain it sounds so stupid, but I'm not pretending it isn't there because it's easy to belittle. And I could feel it again, you were treating me like I don't want to be treated, and I can't say how it is I'd like to be treated, I can just say stop until you try something else and when I was trying I could hear you not understanding, or maybe caring, but I'm afraid of admitting it's that one because you're my Sonia and I don't think she'll ever stop caring, so how can you.
Regardless, I ... I don't think I'll write, and I can blame it on you because it's easy, but you were just a reminder that I was never able to. I suppose once upon a time you could have said something shining and warm that would have fit how I was feeling when you called me, some sort of trampoline boosty spring like on sonic where I jump and then you keep me jumping and all of a sudden I have Good Grades, and I get to come back,
but this time with activism and passion and grace and all of a sudden I'm "a star" like I started out being but stopped because it started to hurt, the burning or the loneliness or maybe just because I'm lazy. But the last one is the easiest to say and the hardest to believe.
This once upon a time never came, I guess sorta like you. Not the adult version because I guess you liked that, not enough for seconds (or would it be fifths, or is that even an accurate count).
I guess I'm just trying to say I'm fragile and you've cracked me.
And fuck you for that.
And fuck you for making me too concerned to be able to tell you. I love you completely.
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