He's a Very Important Person

Is anything any easier that you're so "good looking"?

what?

Ha...uh. You know when you probably shouldn't talk to people but you accidentally do?

what?

I always notice when you're online. I don't know what the point of facebook is, really. I don't know why you would agree to my friend request. But you are incredibly good looking, almost unreasonably so. Also there's this "awesome" factor to take into account. SO sometimes I don't feel good about a lot of things, and right now is one of those times. I noticed you online, I was overcome by my curiosity. I needed to know if you always feel good about a lot of things.

And now I feel "stupid"

ha

well, no.

i very often do not feel good about a lot of things

think my looks are insignificant far as that goes

But aren't they ever just a little comforting?

and think that your infatuation has less to do with my looks than my having been a debate role model to you

You mean to say you aren't as good looking as I make you out to be?

no as far as feeling lonely, impotent, and alienated go, no comfort at all.

What is a comfort to those things, for you, of course?

and yes, i mean to say that your attraction to me has as much to do with admiration as anything else.

what?

As far as feeling lonely, impotent, and alienated.

what comforts me from being so?

I think that's what I'd like to know.

Unless I'm crossing certain boundaries.

nothing really. or very little. or nothing at all.

that all just comes.

The comfort?

no, the discomfort

and it probably doesnt get easier.

Well that last bit was probably almost unnecessary.

Unless you find that knowledge comforting.

Well, I do feel a little better. It's probably that infatuation, or admiration, or I don't really know. But you seem very Important, and you spoke with me for a bit. So I feel a little less "small". In a relative sort of fashion.

A week later and he refuses to show

why?

Why do you get to decide that?

Everyone keeps telling me that this is just what guys do, that guys are so terrible. But I looked into your eyes! and you listened to me for so long. And when you left the week seemed sincere. And I think you're actually a very good person.

You have to be a good person. And I can't believe you want me to feel like this. With my blood turning to poison, my chords in my chest turning black. Why won't you just make it make sense to me.

you make me feel like scum

I mean, like, I was so excited Sunday night because it kept being closer to monday. And all week I've been waiting to see you. This morning, I woke up too early and couldn't think of anything to do to wait for your call, so I read some Kafka, fell back asleep. I decided 2 was a reasonable time to expect you to wake up, then by 4 you'd call you could be over by 6? I was planning my day accordingly. I kept having these beautiful daydreams.

munch. munch. munch

i mean, you just made me feel so good and safe and warm. And everything was so good.

And then I turned into this obsessive, desperate guy.

And I started realizing all of these terrible faults!

Character flaws.

They're bubbling up from every ounce of my being, I see them on my breath. Can feel them in the veins of my palm.

It's so weird to be ignored.

And I send messages to all of these good looking guys, I have such media-dictated high standards.

And of course they aren't attracted to me, because they've grown up with the same media.

And everyone wants someone that looks like they do, I assume they're the top.

But they're probably being rejected, too, right?

Just like I reject people.

But then there are the people that I'm not rejecting, because they aren't requesting. And I'm not making any advances on them, because they're just in my league. Or...the same league society says we are..or however that works. I haven't worked it out.

But we all thing we're much better looking than everyone else, when really we're all as attractive. We're all 6s. And we want 9s.

But we don't get 9s.

And I think you're a 9. And you were in my bed.

And you don't want to be there anymore.

And it's...there's this terrible lie we all tell ourselves. And we know it's a lie, but we live in it, constantly being disappointed. Then all of a sudden this whole world we've created is true, and someone says we aren't ugly, or uninteresting. That the problems we are constantly thinking about aren't petty or redundant.

And this whole terrible lie seems real. And beautiful. And ... then you get to wrench this world away from me.

This lie come true, my world torn to shreds. And I don't even know how to live in the lie anymore, so of course I'm obsessive.

Because I can't just go back to the lie after I've held it in my hand, known it for what it was, called it by it's name.

I am only left with convincing you.

And just as unlikely as that lie that I was living in since..puberty? Since my first crush in seventh grade.

Just as unlikely as that, I'm still waiting for you.

Hoping for you.

I want cute boy to come back

The fourth one, the one on the left?, the blue one, that one was Branden's and it started to sting when the other five felt safe with you. There's a part of me that wants to explain because this is public, but you know what I'm talking about. The second one, the one where you knew where it was, on the right, it was orange. That one that was attracted to you. The big red one in the middle was soothed when I saw Beauty in your eyes.

I'm Okay that you left. I think you may have done some wink at the door, but even your brow seemed to be involved so it was Sweet and Sincere. Part of you seemed to hesitate at the bike so I think I'm okay with the suddenness. I want to say you spent the night, but really we just talked for a few hours this morning then took a nap.

Thank you.

I put my basil in the fridge after you left to keep it Fresh. I fear it's too late.

He's tearing me up inside

I've heard all of those words before.

When I called to ask for support I was happy and shining and buoyant.

She gave me an A even though I said everything wrong, but never spoke when you required it.

It was surprising and fulfilling and something I haven't felt in so long and I called to feel the warmth of your sun.

And you were watching a movie and I distracted you and it was biblical so you probably wish I would have waited, but still.

You're my "best friend" and when I explain that this semester might be a shining success and maybe I'm "a star", you say professors won't change grades for me and I can accept that, until I can't. Because Jill was supposed to and I've been waiting for that, and if I can't see her, I technically can't come back.

But even more it's scary and big and not just the writing like with the military, but with the thinking and growing and understanding, the flashlight on the dark spot in my mind than I know now is dark, but I really think it's safer not to break that..

once I started to and you listened as I cried, I think you wanted me to keep going, but I stopped because I was mad, but also because I was humiliated and that humiliation caused so much anger, but it was still stronger than any resultant activism or passion or grace.

So I stopped and I left it there, slowly bleeding in my mind. And you thought all was well, so I should just go back to my family, open up for the summer, you can't leave your mom.

And you used those words I've heard tens of times when I wouldn't and the pain was real then, probably more real than now, and when you talk about that pain it sounds so stupid, but I'm not pretending it isn't there because it's easy to belittle. And I could feel it again, you were treating me like I don't want to be treated, and I can't say how it is I'd like to be treated, I can just say stop until you try something else and when I was trying I could hear you not understanding, or maybe caring, but I'm afraid of admitting it's that one because you're my Sonia and I don't think she'll ever stop caring, so how can you.

Regardless, I ... I don't think I'll write, and I can blame it on you because it's easy, but you were just a reminder that I was never able to. I suppose once upon a time you could have said something shining and warm that would have fit how I was feeling when you called me, some sort of trampoline boosty spring like on sonic where I jump and then you keep me jumping and all of a sudden I have Good Grades, and I get to come back,

but this time with activism and passion and grace and all of a sudden I'm "a star" like I started out being but stopped because it started to hurt, the burning or the loneliness or maybe just because I'm lazy. But the last one is the easiest to say and the hardest to believe.

This once upon a time never came, I guess sorta like you. Not the adult version because I guess you liked that, not enough for seconds (or would it be fifths, or is that even an accurate count).

I guess I'm just trying to say I'm fragile and you've cracked me.

And fuck you for that.

And fuck you for making me too concerned to be able to tell you. I love you completely.