But I can't find that calm, I feel this anxiety especially in my forearms.
and the history channel used to have this show called the universe, and sometimes in the midst of that show i would lose myself to eternity. but now I feel actively tethered to the pain of my humanity
and maybe there's solace in the existence of love, or there should be
but the very concept of love, for me, feels evacuated of meaning
like all of the hope and comfort and beauty that should fulfill and exceed the very word "love"; contained in it as in a box;
the cardboard got wet and all the meaning of the word dropped out the bottom, shattering in the dirt
or something
So now it's just a word that these people say and for brief moments it's as a salve but largely I feel the contours and emptiness of it.
And I think I need this act of dialogue, this articulation of my feelings in relation to the unadulterated positivity and beauty that I understand you to be. Because when you wrote back it was exciting and when I watched your video I felt better. And pausing from myself to write this, I think, has been sustaining.
